Presidentish Joe Biden’s promise to deliver 500 million free COVID test kits has run into a slight snag, given that there’s no contract to produce a single kit.

The Daily Mail reported on Thursday that it remains a mystery “how many tests will be immediately available or how quickly they can be shipped out.”

Assuming the testing kits are ever conjured into existence, there’s no website for ordering them.

Johns Hopkins epidemiologist Jennifer Nuzzo told the paper that “If those tests came in January and February, that could have an impact.” However, “If they are spread out over 10 to 12 months, I’m not sure what kind of impact it is going to have.”

Probably very little, even if kits start arriving just five weeks from now, which itself seems like a stretch.

Omicron was discovered by South African medical authorities on Nov. 24, just 28 days before it reached its peak there.

Ridhwaan Suliman, a senior researcher at the South African Council for Scientific and Industrial Research, told CNN on Wednesday that his country has “already passed its omicron outbreak peak.”

Suliman characterized the country’s fourth wave as a “steeper wave,” that was “significantly shorter” than those prior, saying in a tweet that it took “about half the number of days to reach the peak compared with previous waves in South Africa.”

According to Suliman, although test positivity remains “still high at 29.8%,” the fact the figure is decreasing confirms “the decline in infections is real and not a testing artifact.”

As of Wednesday, wags in this country —- including Yours Truly — are still arguing about whether omicron managed to kill just one poor soul in Texas.

The first omicron case was reported in this country on Dec. 1. If the US follows roughly along South Africa’s course of infections, we should hit our peak sometime around New Year’s.

That’s weeks or more before a single Joe Biden Approved™ COVID testing kit might arrive on anyone’s doorstep.

Maybe that’s why Nuzzo also told the Daily Mail, “That’s not a plan – it’s a hope.”

With all that in mind, I proudly present the VodkaPundit Omicron Testing Kit*. Not only is it free, but nobody has to stick anything up your nose.

Unless you’re into that. I don’t judge.

All you have to do is answer two simple questions:

  • Are you feeling under the weather, like a bad cold or a mild flu with a sore throat?
  • Is it the winter of 2021?

If you answered “Yes” to both of these questions, you might just have omicron.

You’re welcome.

*Not an actual test. Not meant for human consumption. External use only. Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate. Professional drinker, open bar.